I am not supposed to be here.

This last year. FFS.

I am not supposed to be “here”.

This was not on my currated bingo card.

This was not on my vision board.

This was not part of my speech after high school graduation.

I did not write this on my sheet in kindergarten for what I want to be when I grow up.

But here we are…

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my kids. I love my job. I love my house. I love how things have turned out in a lot of different ways, but I didn’t choose this. And in the last year, I didn’t choose a lot of things… but here we are still.

I didn’t choose for the events that led up to a divorce or to be a single mom of four kids and taking care of a home.

I didn’t choose for autoimmune issues to multiply and progress in the way that it now affects daily life. 

I didn’t choose to get injured leading up to a powerlifting meet.

I didn’t choose to gain 10 more pounds than I felt comfortable with after being very successful maintaining and finally in a place that I was happy with my body.

I didn’t choose any of it.

I’m not gonna lie to you and tell you that I have this all figured out. Who am I to have some grand wisdom of how to deal with life‘s shitty hand?

But I can tell you the things that I have found have helped me make my way through so that I could still show up and try to make some choices with the shitty hand that I’ve been dealt.

Get ready for it…

I am going to prompt this, although I don’t think you need my prompting with how this began… this is not going to be something that is eloquent with words. This is real. This is raw. This is just where I’m at. And what I’ve gone through that has helped just a little bit.

And this is not a professional thing. This is just my life and how I’m making it through it. But as always … I have hope that some of my pain can help another person not feel as much pain.

Real Talk

First, shitty things happen not just a good people. To everybody. And sometimes they happen more to certain people than others. It’s just life. It’s messy. It’s unfair. It’s life. But there can be a little bit of solace and knowing that we are all in it together.

You mind yours & I’ll mind mine

Second, I want to tell you that you get to feel how you wanna feel and anybody who tells you different can go find a hole to crawl in. But I will also tell you that how you deal with those feelings outwardly is on you. You have consequences for that. You cannot escape the consequences of your own actions.

Feelings & Facts Check

When we start to look at things, we need to feel what we need to feel at first. But then we need to clear out some of the feelings behind things and work through just looking at it all. No reasoning. No judgment. Just look at the facts. Look at a timeline.

These are the things that have already taken place. We can feel what we want to about them, but it’s not going to change what happened. And sometimes we have to live in that space where both of those things are okay for a bit.

Can we learn anything?

Sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes we just see it for the bullshit that it is and there’s nothing to learn. We had to work through something or let something play out for us. We did that and now we can move on. Case closed. Still sucks, but case closed.

Other times, though, we can find little nuggets of wisdom. Little nuggets of knowledge. Little nuggets ways that we can show up better for ourselves the next time. And those. Those are the things that matter more than anything else. Those are the things that we can learn life lessons from, and we continue to grow from.

And they might be big like realizations… like application to the next phase of life big.

And they might be small… like realizing that timing of when you buy the cosmic brownie box matters. A… not buying a box when you’re stressed out, you’re PMSing and you love them so much that you’re probably not going to just have one… realization.

Either way, these sort of things help us present ourselves to the world, and all that is in it… yes, introverts this includes us… 1% better than we were yesterday.

Radical Acceptance: What It Really Means and How I’m Using It

This is what that is… it’s the formal terminology at least. And the website below goes in depth on this. They have a video attached and they have other resources which are absolutely amazing. But to sum it up…

Step 1: Identify an Event (Real Talk)

Take the event in question that’s hard to accept… And please, for the love of everything… if it is something that is next level, seek a therapist. They are the people that are trained to help others through this and really helps them build solid ground to walk on.

Step 2: Analyze the Causes (Fact Check)

List objective, non-judgmental facts that led to the event.

Step 3: Accept Your Emotions (Feeling Check)

Notice and accept the emotions and bodily sensations that come up without resistance.

Step 4: Make a Proactive Plan (Can we learn anything?)

If the event still affects you, create a plan to cope or make improvements.

Resources: Radical Acceptance (Includes a video + downloadable tools I found super helpful.)

My Real Life Work-through

1. Real Talk

You’ve got to get real and that’s what I’m gonna do here. I’m going to let you inside of my head. I’m going to let you see the messy pieces. This is something that’s not talked about enough. We’re all freaking messy by the way. Don’t let anybody tell you different.

I am 11 pounds over… my “feel good”… “OK with it”… on the scale weight. OK, let’s be real. I am 30 pounds above my stage weight from the bikini competition. I was OK with gaining the healthy 10 to 15 pounds from that. But I am not OK here. And I have not been consistently training 4 to 5 days a week like I used to in almost a year now because of the injury in August and then the stress of the separation. I am nowhere near my strength PRs anymore and I am fighting to just be consistent. I am not supposed to be here.

I am a coach who guides people through weight loss, nutrition, fitness, and wellness every single day. If anything, I should be the one that has all of my shit together in this area of life. I should be able to be consistent with all of my habits and execute all of my goals. I am not supposed to be here.

2. Feelings & Facts Check

Obviously, there are tons of feelings, attached here. This is how I work through things like this to untangle some of the feelings and the facts… It’s almost like a good old pros and cons list LOL!

FeelingS

• Frustrated that I am beyond a number on the scale that I had in my head for myself.
• Upset with being stuck in a setback because of an injury and the stress of my separation triggering an autoimmune flare.
• Sad that I am no longer competing for the next PR with powerlifting style training. I enjoyed the high thought I would get from that achievement.
• Aggravated that my consistency is now sometimes dictated by my joints, health and overall wellness instead of my schedule and my mindset.
• I feel judgment. I feel incapable. I feel detrimentally held back.

FACTs

• My clothes still fit. My blood panel and other health markers associated with my weight and general health are good.
• I am training five days a week currently. It is not the same type of training. Previously, I was powerlifting four days a week. Now, I am running three days a week and strength training twice a week.
• I am training in a different way because I am not competing in another powerlifting meet. I am running a half marathon in November. Different events call for different training.
• My consistency hasn’t changed. I show up when my body is ready for a challenge. I adjust that challenge with what my body is telling me it is capable for the day.
• I judge myself harshly for not being able to maintain the efforts that I had initially brought into this journey in the beginning. In the beginning, I was curious, creative and I did not work full-time. I had more time less expectation. And I unfairly compare myself to others by not accepting where I am at wholeheartedly.

3. Can we learn anything?

This is so hard to do because you’re essentially parenting or coaching yourself when you sit here and do this. Sometimes it is really really easy to do if you think about this being somebody else like your best friend or your child or your partner. I mean, you’re sorting through facts and feelings here… your real talking yourself.

• I named it and claimed it. That’s what we have to do with feelings… acknowledge them. Give them a name. Sit with the discomfort. Use an emotion wheel if you need to. Narrow it down. Because it matters. Maybe not to the rest of the world, but it matters to you… the one living in your own world, your own body.
• I might have a disconnect between what I want for my body and what a single measurement tool (like the scale) says. But here’s the truth… no one else can see that number. No one else knows what size tag is on my jeans. If what really matters is that I’m healthy and my clothes fit… then I’m already there. If that’s not enough, then I need to dig deeper and ask why that number holds so much weight.
• The facts are… I’m training for something different right now. I chose to run a half marathon in November. That requires a shift in focus, time, and energy. If I want to do it well… to show up for myself… then my actions need to reflect the path I’ve chosen.
• I’m growing up. I’m no longer treating my body like it’s 20… running on three hours of sleep, partying all night, and thinking it won’t catch up to me. Now, I treat my body with respect. With compassion AND discipline. I’m caring for the one true home I’ll ever have.
• I am not who I was in 2012. I am so much more… all because of the effort she put in. I am still curious. I am still creative. I do work full-time. I do have more demands on my time and energy. And I do not need to compare myself to anyone because I am the most awesome me that has ever existed.

Now, I am not gonna tell you this is easy. It’s not even easy for me to read those bullet points that I just put here for you. I still have feelings about those things and that’s OK. I just needed those facts in front of my face as well. 

I really hope this helps! Thank you so much for being here!

With love, Coach Nik