Moderator or Abstainer
“I cannot control myself around brownies”
“Chips and queso are my weakness”
“The minute the breadsticks hit the table I am done for”
Some of these things probably sound familiar, but maybe you need to change the food that’s in the sentence.
But for the most part have you felt yourself saying something like this?
Now, I just wanna say this right off the bat… I am not going to be another nutrition coach that simply says to you that these statements are flat out wrong and you need to just moderate because moderation is the key. The truth is there might be some truth in these statements. Humans are crazy complex. We all have different stories, experiences and quirks. By pushing moderation as the concrete answer to everything… we’re dismissing the fact that we all have different reasons for the way that we are. The answer is not simply… Have some self-control.
Self-control is about accepting the responsibility of the choice but sometimes there is something underneath that we just don’t understand or we’re not aware of that needs to be addressed first. So instead… I think knowing yourself is the better route until you can figure out how to truly know yourself and the reason behind the choices that you’re making. And that can only really be done with deep internal work.
BUT… we can know ourselves well enough to know that there are probably things that we have no issue with moderating and there are probably other things that we do. And when we see these different challenges arise, that is when it truly is better to know yourself. Do you need to set up different constraints, so that way you can moderate a little bit better and still feel good about your choices? Or do you need to completely abstain from something? Is it possible that maybe you need to abstain from a temporary period and then you can bring it back? Or do you need to abstain completely for the rest of your life?
The beauty here is there’s no right or wrong way—it’s just about knowing which strategy works better for you.
The podcast below discussed Abstainers vs. Moderators, which I found pretty relevant to this conversation. Moderators thrive on balance and struggle with strict limitations, while Abstainers find it easier to completely avoid temptations rather than indulge occasionally. I’m gonna go into more below, but I wanted to offer this because it was a really really great listen.
Podcast: A Little Happier: Opportunity Cost and Abstainers: A New Term Can Help Us See the World in a New Way
Article: ABSTAINERS VS. MODERATORS We can definitely build some snacks
MODERATION
Like I mentioned above, this really is about knowing yourself. Knowing yourself well enough to know what you can moderate and what maybe you can’t. You may not be somebody who can completely moderate all things. There might be one food that gets you. You don’t have to be one or the other one it comes to moderation or abstaining.
But… for people who tend to do well with moderating, they may feel trapped when they try to abstain from something. I felt this personally during lent this year when I decided to give up chocolate for 40 days. In every weight management phase I have been in, I have had chocolate. I don’t have a problem with moderating this. I eat it every single day and I make room for it. However, abstaining from it for 40 days was maddening. I did it on the religious purpose side, but I felt trapped. And sad. I mean it’s chocolate after all.
I do give myself checks & balances when it comes to more hyper palatable or indulgent foods and moderation.
- I try not to keep too much of it in the house.
- I purchase everything in single serving packages or portion it ahead of time.
- I track everything so that way I can remember that I had these things later on.
- If I am going through a more stressful moment and find myself relying on something to heavily, I temporarily abstain from having it in the house.
And as a coach… I see a bigger issue when it comes to the suggestion of moderation. Moderation is vague. Does it mean one cookie at a time, once a week, or a bite of a cookie daily? There’s no clear definition. Moderation can easily become a goal that we easily justify stretching to meet how we feel in a moment.
There was a study published in the journal Appetite that shows this vagueness. Participants were asked to define moderate consumption of cookies and candies. Their definitions varied widely and often exceeded what they considered an appropriate amount. I won’t go as far into as the study did BUT you can read that here…
Study Referenced: How do people define moderation?
Article: ‘Moderation’ Is a Useless Concept
Moderation broken simply…
- Sustainable: Allows you to enjoy a variety of foods without feeling deprived, making it easier to maintain in the long term.
- Triggers: Some people may find it challenging to moderate certain foods and may overconsume them.
- Balanced Diet: Encourages a well-rounded diet with a mix of nutrients.
- Portion Control: Requires good judgment and self-control to avoid overindulgence.
- Flexibility: More adaptable to social situations and dining out.
Quick Tips for Moderation
Some quick tips for working through moderation… maybe learning moderation…
Mindful Eating: Pay attention to hunger and fullness cues, eat slowly, and savor each bite.
The “BASICS” of Mindful Eating
Portion Sizes: Use smaller plates, measure servings, and be mindful of portion sizes.
Plan Ahead: Prepare meals and snacks in advance to avoid impulsive eating.
A Guide to Family Meal Planning
You’re a moderator if you
- Find that occasional indulgence heightens your pleasure and strengthens your resolve
- Get panicky at the thought of “never” getting or doing something
ABSTAINING
Now that we’ve gone through the thought of moderation… we can take a look at the sometimes shunned thought of abstaining. And I will state this yet again… this is more about knowing yourself. Some of those statements that were at the very beginning may be true for you. And that’s okay. It’s simply where you are right now. And in order to make it through, you gotta do what you gotta do while you do the internal work.
Where moderators feel trapped if they try to abstain, abstainers tend to waste energy justifying indulgence if they try to moderate. And wasted energy is dangerous sometimes. In coaching, we talk a lot about self-control, discipline, and willpower. Their concepts that are brought up all the time. And I have a tendency to work with busy moms who are just trying to survive the day sometimes. We don’t have a lot of bandwidth to really spend in other places. And this is where abstaining might be the better option.
The question is… When you set out a certain plan for the day… are you able to stick to that plan by 9 AM? 12 PM? 3 PM? 6 PM? 8 PM? No matter what else might come? Moderation requires good judgment and self-control when it comes to portions. Are you going to always have that bandwidth to make the good judgment and practice self-control… especially when you are simply surviving the day?
If we instead minimize the options that will require you to have good judgment and self-control… do you feel that that almost gives you mental freedom? You might very well be somebody who does much better with abstaining even if it’s just for a temporary moment.
For instance, as an Abstainer, I avoid keeping brownies or gluten free cookies at home because I can’t stop at just one. Instead, I enjoy treats occasionally, which reduces daily temptation and stress.
How do I do this?
- I create an obstacle that buys me time… I buy a brownie mix or the ingredients only so I would have to make the brownies. This gives me time and space in between the want and the consumption. I can think about things and make sure that this is something I truly want.
- If I am going to bake, I make sure that I’m not going to be the only person who will be consuming. I wait till the kids are home so I have other people to enjoy this treat with. This also helps me moderate.
- I minimize when I can. I do not bake overage. Not even if it’s a possibility that it might be needed. Instead of making 36 cupcakes for 24 people on the rare event that somebody else might show up, I will bake 24 cupcakes and then purchase fruit to have as another dessert. I will even forgo my cupcake and just eat the fruit if this happens. But this is a personal rule of my own. I will not overbake because I enjoy these foods so much that I will have trouble moderating having extra in the house that does not have a place that needs to go to.
- Last thing, if I am in a situation where I have a lot of food around me that is for one of the kids’ birthday parties and it is a lot of the different food that I have trouble moderating… I tell myself this is the kids food. This is for their party. Then, I order myself something else that I’ve really been wanting to have and tell myself this is my food. This helps me not feel restricted. Then I control my choice and the food does not control me. (Again, the inner work that you may do with a therapist or a dietitian or on your own through books… it is necessary and valuable beyond measure. That is the real work.)
Article: Are You an Abstainer or a Moderator?
Abstaining broken simply…
- Clear Boundaries: Removes temptation and simplifies decision-making.
- Restrictive: Can be difficult to maintain in social situations and may lead to feelings of deprivation.
- Effective for Certain Individuals: Works well for people who find it hard to stop once they start eating certain foods.
- Potential for Bingeing: Risk of overindulgence if you break your abstinence.
- Health Benefits: Can lead to significant health improvements if abstaining from unhealthy foods (e.g., sugar, processed foods).
- Nutrient Deficiency: Risk of missing out on essential nutrients if abstaining from entire food groups.
Quick Tips for Abstaining
Some quick tips for working through abstaining… maybe learning to abstain…
Identify Triggers: Recognize which foods or situations trigger overeating and plan accordingly.
Mindful Eating: Appetite & Craving Scavenger Hunt
Healthy Substitutes: Find healthier alternatives to replace the foods you’re abstaining from.
Healthy Grocery Shopping on a Budget (Includes swaps)
You’re an abstainer if you
- Have trouble stopping something once you’ve started
- Aren’t tempted by things that you’ve decided are off-limits
FINAL TAKEAWAY
People can be judgmental about different approaches.
An abstainer might hear things like… “It’s not healthy to be so severe” or “You should be able to have a brownie.”
A moderator here, things like… “You can’t keep cheating and expect progress” or “Why not go cold turkey?”
Different things for different people. That’s what it really is.
And everybody has an opinion. You have to decide if you want to give their opinion weight with your choices.
For many people, a combination of both strategies works best. For example, you might choose to abstain from certain trigger foods (e.g., sugary snacks) while practicing moderation with other foods. This hybrid approach can provide structure while still allowing for some flexibility.
