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My “upper limit” is ruining my life…

ByNicole Doria

Whew… my capacity for better for myself is a topic for such inner turmoil. And I know for a fact that I am not alone in that thought process. I want bigger, better, more… but I also from time to time find myself completely going against the means that would get me there even though they are completely attainable. It is just going to take time, effort and belief… sounds easy enough, no?

RIIIIIIIIGHT. EASY. Sure.

Belief is a bit of a fickle thing though. You can actually believe the most on one side and also not believe too… under the surface. Or believe… see it and then suddenly do a bunch of things to pull you back. Back to where you are “comfort”. Okay… maybe not “comfortable” but famaliar. Our bodies and minds love famaliar. It deems famaliar and a lot of predictable stuff as safe. BUT that is a falsehood. Famaliar does not always equal safe or align with “good”.

If you ever have the chance to give The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks a read you will hear more about the upper limit problem that some of us may experience.

The Upper Limit Problem

  • This is a term coined by Gay Hendricks for a subconscious self-sabotage when experiencing success. Hendricks explains that the Upper Limit Problem occurs when we hit a cap on the amount of happiness we allow ourselves, often leading to negative thoughts to bring us back to a familiar level of comfort.
  • Psychologist Gay Hendricks describes this as us having an “inner thermostat” that limits the amount of happiness we allow ourselves. Exceeding this limit often triggers negative thoughts to bring us back down.

How the Upper Limit Problem Shows Up

This can manifest as self-doubt, anxiety, or physical symptoms when achieving success. Understanding this can help recognize self-sabotage patterns. It backs the idea that we often seek comfort rather than happiness.

And that’s what we need to get curious about when it surfaces… self-doubt. Anxiety. Stress. Some sort of feeling that leads us to question the path we are on or the actions that we are setting out to do.

“When we self-sabotage, it is often because we have a negative association between achieving the goal we aspire to and being the kind of person who has or does that thing. If your issue is that you want to be financially stable, and yet you keep ruining every effort you make to get there, you have to go back to your first concept of money.”
Brianna Wiest, The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage Into Self-Mastery

So if something comes up… probe it. Ask yourself why a million times over till you snap and you know you’ve reached the end… not my advice purely coming from having to answer 4 curious toddlers over the course of my adult life and feeling like I finally found a way to use what drove me crazy for good… Not at all!

But really. What you find is important.

Personal example

At the end of last year, I made a push to trim off some of the weight that I had gained throughout the year. I had spent time training for an event and in the process I gained 10 lbs. I started to feel a little uncomfortable with where I was with my weight and how my clothes were getting tigher. I started off strong in my efforts.

  • Cleaned up my eating… for me this was removing some of the more processed foods that do not make me feel the way that I like to feel.
  • I kept up with my steps and exercised regularly.
  • Got an oura ring to start paying more attention to how I was recoviering and sleeping because it looked like a place that I could definitely use the improvement.

And it worked… I began to lose weight, feel lighter, and my mood lifted too. I dropped 7 out of the 10 pounds fast. I started to wonder if maybe just maybe I could come down another 10 because mentally, I liked how I looked 20 pounds ago but 10 was all I thought I could truly achieve.

And that’s where things got weird.

Right around the time I started seeing real progress, I noticed myself start sabotaging it. I was ordering takeout instead of cooking what was on the menu plan for the week. Skipping my scheduled blocks for workouts and convincing myself that I can get it done later. Sometimes I would get it done later BUT then my sleep was hindered. It didn’t make sense.

That’s when I realized… I’d hit my upper limit in that moment.

Subconsciously, I didn’t fully believe I could actually get down the 20 lbs that would put me back into the “happy weight” that I had been at briefly in my health journey years ago. I honestly started to tell myself all sorts of things… I’m older now. I am not in that same phase of life. I need to get more realistic with my goals. Why couldn’t I just be happy with the 10 lbs? Was that 20 lbs even really safe?

TALK ABOUT A MENTAL MESS!!!!

I backtracked in my spin out. I gained back the 7 lbs and felt at such a loss with myself but really… my familiar felt safer than pushing into the uncomfortable feelings and challenging them. Then staying curious and just allowing myself see what I could do with it all.

I had to do a lot of work with this. AND this is only one of the moments that I have been here. Shoot… I end up here pretty often BUT now when I start to notice this cycle beginning… I ask: 

What am I afraid of here? I don’t think I can really do it.

Why? Because I struggled holding it (that weight) before.

Why? Because I was spinning out with the food restriction and the social things I was missing to get there.

Why? Because I was trying to push to hard with the deficit instead of giving myself more time to lose slower.

Why? Because I was doing it with a timeline of my birthday.

BOOM. There it is. There was the actual issue. It was hard last time. There was pain from a lack of connection and too much restriction because I had put myself on too hard of a deadline. I did it to myself last time. And I do not have to do that.

The answer is kinda silly sometimes. And sometimes it’s not… sometimes it comes from a deep down belief that was instilled in us at one point that we are uncapable. Unsafe. Not worthy. Either way though… we have to get to the point that we can see it. We can move through what we are unable to see.

Once we see it. We can accept it. Fix it. Feel it. Heal it.

“Happiness is not something you can chase. It is something you have to allow. This likely will come as a surprise to many people, as the world is so adamant about everything from positive psychology to motivational Pinterest boards. But happiness is not something you can coach yourself into. Happiness is your natural state. That means you will return to it on your own if you allow the other feelings you want to experience to come up, be felt, be processed, and not resisted. The less you resist your unhappiness, the happier you will be. It is often just trying too hard to feel one certain way that sets us up for failure.”
Brianna Wiest, The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage Into Self-Mastery

The Way Through Self-Sabotage

Ok ok ok… this is how we broke this down above.

  1. Awareness: Acknowledge the presence of an upper limit problem… weird feeling… acting against yourself. And please remember that this self-sabotage is not a reflection of your abilities but a barrier that is found.
  2. Ask Yourself What’s Up: Have the conversation with yourself. Why are you worried? Why are you anxious? Why are you choosing this or that? Instead of letting these negative feelings derail your progress, use them as opportunities for growth.
  3. Accept What You Find: What you find is what you find. In order of deal with that, you might need the help of a therapist, a coach, or a community BUT it matters. Having someone to guide and support you can make a significant difference in maintaining your progress. Engaging with others who share your goals can provide motivation and accountability, making it easier to overcome challenges.
  4. Practice Pushing: Keep setting new goals or implementing new strategies that could help you through what you have found. This practice helps push your inner thermostat higher, gradually increasing your comfort level with success.
  5. And seriously… Celebrate your achievements: No matter how small. No matter what you “should” “could” or “would” do differently. CELEBRATE. Recognizing your progress reinforces positive behavior and motivates you to keep moving forward.

Final Thought

One of my favorite quotes from Brianna Wiest The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage Into Self-Mastery

“Let’s be clear about something: To put an end to your self-sabotaging behavior absolutely means that change is on the horizon.

Your new life is going to cost you your old one. It’s going to cost you your comfort zone and your sense of direction. It’s going to cost you relationships and friends. It’s going to cost you being liked and understood. It doesn’t matter. The people who are meant for you are going to meet you on the other side.

You’re going to build a new comfort zone around the things that actually move you forward.

Instead of being liked, you’re going to be loved. Instead of being understood, you’re going to be seen. All you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are. Remaining attached to your old life is the first and final act of self-sabotage, and releasing it is what we must prepare for to truly be willing to see real change.”

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