Fail Forward: Dealing with Setbacks

I recently talked about failing forward in Goals: Actually Getting Started & Perfectionism. The meaning of that post was more to start the conversation regarding getting started and perfectionism. There are multitude of reasons that we simply don’t get started, but I focused in on time hurdles like searching for the right time, creating a structure that is too difficult, and the mindset of believing we already have to be in some kind of mastery in order to do. From there, I went into two other things that I find more and more in my day-to-day as a coach.

There are so many times that things come up and a person will sacrifice themselves and a commitment they made to themselves in order to make somebody else’s needs fulfilled. Of course, this has a time & place. There are times when we must switch gears because of the importance. but there’s also a steep cost in us, continually not keeping our promise to ourselves just like we keep them to other people.

And finally the topic of today in regards to perfectionism…

Accepting failure as part of the journey

This is something that I simply cannot stress enough. Setbacks, failures, and challenging days are inevitable. They are not blockades, forcing you to quit completely. They are lessons to learn. They are teachers. They are stepping stones to your growth through struggle and challenge.

Think about it. Were you an expert at driving the second you got behind the wheel? Did you almost miss any stop signs and then suddenly give up driving altogether?

What about cooking? Did you ever burn yourself by mishandling a pan and then decide to just give up on cooking altogether?

How about school? Work? Parenting? Did you know everything in anything that you were going to do in every situation? When you failed did you drop out of school? Quit work? Say peace out on parenting?

I feel the answer is probably no on all of those things. I mean I hope they were now! LOL!

But here’s the deal… You have to actually get started like I went over in that last blog post. And with getting started, just accept the fact that you don’t know everything and that’s OK.

You’re going to fail possibly and that’s OK. That’s how we learn.

This is a means of building character. It’s a means of strengthening your courage.

This is not about falling on your face and being humiliated. It’s about learning to have the courage to try something, fail, works through the failure, and then get back up and try again.

Follow me for a moment….

You dared to go out there and try something BUT it didn’t pan out.

Let’s give a very real situation (and the way less high stake one than those above)…

You are ready to lose the weight. You hired a coach. You met with that coach. You came up with a game plan. You’ve got some homework to set up for your very first week.

Homework:

• Work through the tutorial on how to track your food.
• Aim for 10,000 steps every day (which will have to partially be done during your lunch break).
• Purchase some fruits and veggies this weekend for the house so that you can work on, including one to two a day.

And you’re ready to just annihilate this list!

This list is going down.

You are going to check every box. It’s gonna be perfect. There’s not gonna be one slip up. Because you are ready. You have spent so much time thinking about all of these different things and you’re ready to lose the weight! So nothing is going to stand in your way.

Sunday: you go grocery shopping and fill your house with fruits and veggies for both snacking and for dinners. You worked your way through the tutorial and figure out how to track the food you just bought. And special bonus of not ordering your groceries and getting some added movement in for the day.

Monday: you bring your lunch to work that has all been fully tracked so that way you don’t have to leave work to go get food and you’ll have time for that walk. You also made sure to pack an apple for your snack. You are doing so good so far. Day one is in the bag!

Until your boss needs you to work through lunch because of a deadline on a report that has to be filed being pushed up. OK, you got this still because it’s no big deal. You can make it all work and still get your walk… until you don’t. Not gonna stress. Tomorrow’s a new day.

Tuesday: you’re ready! You’ve been working your way through tracking the food. You made a salad for lunch to bring to work which ensures that you get a veggie in today. Not to mention that report has been filed so you’re easily going to be able to get that lunchtime walk in.

When you get to work, you realize that it’s one of your coworkers birthdays and everybody is going out to eat for lunch. And you can’t miss this. This is one of your favorite coworkers and besides, what would they think of you if you tell them “no” and sit there and eat your salad at your desk? So you bypass eating your salad and your walk, but promise yourself that you will eat the salad when you get home right before dinner and then do an after dinner walk. It’s not perfect but it’s done. Until you get home and you remember that it’s soccer night. Tomorrow! Tomorrow will be better!

Wednesday: OK, so Monday and Tuesday didn’t go perfectly but they didn’t go bad either. Everything has been tracked! 1 out of 3 ain’t bad and you are heading in today with the thought that there can’t possibly be something else that is going to stop you from getting in that lunchtime walk. And honestly, you need this time to walk if you’re ever going to be able to get 10,000 steps every day with how sedentary your job is.

You are heading into work with your lunch pre-tracked and your lunch bag is right there… oh, no! It’s not right there. You left it on the counter. That’s OK. This can still be figured out! You’ll just order a salad when everybody else orders their food for lunch. Good thinking! Because you need today. You need today to go right.

The lunch order comes in and they forgot your salad. You have to leave and go get food because you’re starving. You go to the closest place and order yourself a burger and fries because you’re just starving and exhausted now. The walk isn’t going to happen. You just need a moment. And one little moment is OK. It’s not going to throw you off completely. This was completely out of your control. Tomorrow. Tomorrow you won’t be a failure and forget your lunch on the counter. And you are going to make that walk happen because that was a promise that you made to yourself and your coach.

Thursday: check in day with the coach is tomorrow, so today is happening! No matter what… today will happen! We’re just gonna call yesterday what it is and you just needed a reprieve because this whole week has been really really hard and that’s just not your normal life. Things like this don’t happen all the time. OK, lunch is made. Fruit is in your lunch bag for a snack. Everything has been tracked in your food tracker.

And then your kid walks into the room and throws up in front of you. And there goes the rest of the day as you care for that kiddo. It’s survival mode time.

Friday: check in day with your coach from home with a sick kid who has no signs of sickness, but all the energy in the world… You come across the question that asks you about your activity levels for the week and now you have to report that you were barely able to get 5000 steps each day. You feel like an absolute failure. You had the courage to sign up to this program and talk with this coach that you’re just getting to know. You told them that you could show up and make 10,000 steps happen easy peasy and then here you are… On week one… At 5000 steps each day.

Analyze it

So what happened here? This person went from ready to conquer the world to “I’m a complete failure” in the course of six days. And I cannot even tell you how many times I have seen this scenario with different details and variables, but OH I HAVE SEEN IT!

And it is because of this that I speak with my clients about the first 2 to 3 weeks being messy… inaccurate… time consuming…

And just remember that whatever you’re doing… you are getting us data so that we can figure out a way through that best fits your specific life because it’s important.

The reason the other “programs” don’t work is likely because you are forcing yourself and your life into a program of things that you may never want to do or continue. Ok… Don’t worry. I’m gonna stop myself there. I can definitely get on the soapbox on that one.

ANYWAY! The first 2 to 3 weeks are probably going to be riddled with failure and that is what I want to see. I want to see all of the bumps in the road. And then I’m gonna take you through what it’s like to fail forward….

Failing forward

When we fail forward, we are taking the situation and reflecting. We need to understand what possibly went wrong here and why. It’s not a thing about guilt and shame. It is about analyzing something that you thought might work, but it’s ended up being a bigger challenge than you expected. And then you’re gonna take that reflection and try to make an adjustment. You need to refigure what it is that you’re setting out to do something about it didn’t work. And you know what they say about madness… We can’t just try to do the same exact thing over and over again and then expect a different result. Finally, we need to actually start again. We have to restart because the only way that we ever truly fail is when we quit. We actually have all of the power in the world here. We decide when we actually fail and we do that by quitting.

Let me take this a little bit further…

1. Reflecting:
   • Understanding the Setback: Take a moment to analyze what led to the setback. Was it a specific event, a change in routine, or a lapse in discipline/control? We need to understand the root of the setback.
   • Embracing Self-Compassion: This is not for the guilt or shame. This reflection needs self-compassion. Acknowledge that setbacks happen to everyone and are a natural part of any transformative journey. Be kind. You are the one person that you are going to spend your entire life with.
   • Assessing the Emotional Side: Explore the emotions associated with the setback. Are there underlying stressors, emotional triggers, or patterns that contributed to veering off course? Identifying emotional components… You have got to work on your mindset while you work on your body because your body is a product of where your mindset is currently.
   • Recognizing Achievements: Amidst the setback, recognize and celebrate the achievements and progress made so far. Reflecting on the positive aspects reinforces a positive mindset, essential for moving forward. I don’t care how small of a win something is. Celebrate that shit!
2. Refiguring:
   • Adjusting Goals Realistically: Based on the insights gained from reflection, reevaluate your goals. Are they realistic, achievable, and aligned with your current circumstances. It’s okay to modify timelines and expectations. Because what it actually comes down to is you either have the goal/expectations and the processes or you have a timeline and the processes. You don’t get all three all of the time. It sets things up for the possibility of too much demanded.
   • Adapting Strategies: About those processes…consider whether the strategies and approaches you initially employed are effective. Are there aspects of your plan that need modification? Be open to refiguring your habits, routines, or choices based on what you learned.
   • Seeking Support and Guidance: I do recommend that you seek professional advice when you are in new and scary territory but there’s a lot of value in also looking at your loved ones and what they think. They are probably going to be the people that can help you shine light on your blind spots. It may not feel good and you may want to pull back. But this sort of insight could be the difference between another failure and making your way through.
   • Creating a More Flexible Plan: Develop a flexible and adaptable plan that leaves space for life’s inevitable uncertainties. Life is going to life. That is a guarantee. You may do everything you possibly can to make something work, and it still may not. It’s a much more compassionate route to leave things to be more flexible. I like doing this with ranges and consulting others as you go through.
3. Restarting:
   • Setting Small, Attainable Goals: Begin by setting small, achievable goals that act as stepping stones towards your larger objective. These goals should reflect the refigured plan and align with your current capabilities and circumstances.
   • Implementing Lessons Learned: Apply the lessons learned from reflection and refiguring to your restart. Use the setbacks as a guide for making informed decisions, anticipating challenges, and implementing effective strategies. Do the reps.
   • Cultivating a Growth Mindset: Embrace a growth mindset that views setbacks as opportunities for learning and improvement.
   • Establishing a Support System: Surround yourself with a supportive network of people with shared goals. It can enhance accountability and provides encouragement during the restart.

Takeaway

If you don’t quit, you don’t fail.

That’s it.

But really, I hope this helps!

With love,

Coach Nik

BOOKS!

• Do Hard Things: Why We Get Resilience Wrong and the Surprising Science of Real Toughness by Steve Magness
• Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior By Mark Goulston & Philip Goldberg
• Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck, PhD
• Personality Isn’t Permanent: Break Free from Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story, Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D.
• The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage Into Self-Mastery by Brianna Wiest
• Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know by Adam Grant
• Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
• Winning the War in Your Mind: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life by Craig Groeschel