Unsupportive People with Health Journeys: Food Police
If you have had the chance to check out Unsupportive People with Health Journeys: Food Pushers, the beginning of this is going to sound very familiar. A lot of what we do when we are setting up for situations dealing with other people’s opinions regarding our health journey begins with being sure that we fully understand what it is that we are doing, why we are doing it, and what that means specifically for us in a situation.
Unsupportive People or Self?
I want to first say that it is OK to be misunderstood. Not everybody has to understand the things that you are going to do with your body. That is your decision and yours alone.
Also, people are not always going to pay attention to the impact. They may have through what they say or what they do in your life and that is not their problem.
When you are seeking change, some people are not going to like the change that you are going through and there are going to be people that do. In either situation, this is their opinion of your life. And you need to decide if you are going to accept that opinion because you value it and adjust or if you are going to be OK with possibly offending people. Because if you don’t offend these others who are imposing their beliefs, and their opinions on you, the alternative is that you will be offending yourself.
First: Let’s get clear.
With everything that I have mentioned above, we need clarity on what it is that we want to implement in our own life. The things that we choose to do. The directions we choose to go. The way we decide to wear our clothes. The foods we decide to eat. The style of movement we decide to do each day. All of these things are choices that we make for ourselves, and that has value to us. It might be a varying level of value and that’s what we need to get clear on.
In varying social situations from daily work to social media to holiday events, our choices may be challenged. And this can be quite overwhelming when you begin to look into different things. Sometimes the sheer thought of having some thing challenged can be fear, inducing enough that someone may not choose to even head down that path.
Think about different people out there who are nervous about choosing a different career path than what has been laid out for them with their parents. Or the stories you hear about somebody choosing to marry someone that their parents do not approve of. Now, these are big situations, but sometimes it’s helpful to look at the bigger extremes to understand the concept of the smaller choices and things.
So now let’s bring this down to one singular moment… A holiday party.
As a coach, when a client comes to me to let me know that they have a holiday party coming up, first and foremost I ask them this, “what do you want to do here?” And I do this because this is about how we want to show up in a specific setting. I may ask some questions like…
- Do you want to strategize some thing?
- Do you want to go into this situation and just try to see what you can make happen that has been similar to the different eating habits that we’ve already been working on?
- Do you not want to do anything?
The answer to these questions is never something that I judge as a coach. These are guiding light questions. I client will let me know how they wanna show up and then I hash out with them the guiding light for that direction.
Depending on the answer, we may talk about environmental stimuli, how to show up best for yourself, how to prepare ahead of time, what to do afterwards, and in some situations, how to prepare to deal with people who have very strong opinions about your choices.
Note: If you are trying to figure out some ways to do that, please refer back to Surviving the Holidays for some great strategies on how to navigate social events.
Once we get to this point, whether you have chosen something or not, you have now made a commitment to yourself. You’ve made a promise. This is how you want to show up at this event. And that is what we’re going to expand upon.
Second: Everything is constantly changing.
The only thing in life that is constant is change. And while you are walking through this health journey, you are changing even more rapidly. You’ve gone through so many changes before but these changes might have been a singular event or they might’ve been a more drawn-out process. Maybe they’re even things that are just accepted a little bit more. Think of that situation like this and then I want you to also think about how the changes may have affected the people around you.
- You may start working out and going to a gym every day.
- You may decide to quit drinking and stop going out to the bar.
- You might meet some new friends that you enjoy hanging out with.
- You may decide to go back to school.
- You might change the style of clothing that you enjoy wearing every day.
- You may go and change your hairstyle.
- You might decide to change career course and go into a totally different industry.
Truthfully, any one of these may challenge the people around you to question, to support, to challenge, and maybe to support, but not support at the same time. And this is because you have changed something about yourself and now value something new. The people around you might be taken by surprise. They may not understand. And that is OK. This is a choice that you made for yourself.
What if we think of things this way?
- We are all responsible for ourselves, our own actions, and our reactions.
- I need to continually do the things that make me happy because sometimes when I try to please others, I am left, feeling unhappy. I am not willing to sacrifice my own peace and joy.
- I try to always be supportive of the people around me, and what they choose to do in their life. I want others to also be this way for me. But if they are not, that’s OK too. I do this for me.
The Food Police
The food police… I think by now you have gotten the underlying tone that I am trying to convey here. Everybody has an opinion. Everybody has personal values. Not everybody’s opinion is about themselves and their own values. Sometimes those opinions and values are cast out in a form of judgment upon somebody else. That is not to say that the judgment is incorrect or correct, but more so that it is unwarranted because it is solely somebody else’s opinion and values being placed on something outside of themselves. I do not believe that people are always acting in a way to hurt others, but sometimes with food police may be so. But will never know that, unless it’s openly expressed. The best that we can do is not make an assumption on somebody’s intent.
Possible reasons behind the food policing behavior
- Someone might be doing this as their way of caring for you and loving you by safeguarding you from yourself and your choices. Maybe you shared with them your goal at some point and they feel that this is a way to hold you accountable to that goal.
- Some people may have heard of a variety of food rules from different diets and outside influences. And again, their intent here might be pure, but maybe their information doesn’t align with your processes and choices.
- There’s a good possibility that this person may be somebody who has battled with food morality, and the thought process that some foods are “good”, and some foods are “bad” or “healthy” and “unhealthy”,
These are only possible reasons, and I am sure that this list could be expanded upon a lot. Oh, but what I want to reiterate, here is, this is about you and your choices and your values. This is about how you want to show up. In any and all situations, we can provide ourselves and other people with the gift of being clear with our boundaries, and that is a kindness we can give. Like Brené Brown, PhD has said, “Clear is kind.”
Now, here is a possible way to deal with these situations with food police.
Step 1: Be Aware of the Food Police
Think about the people who comment like this…
- “Are you really going to eat that?”
- “I thought you were on a diet.”
- “I heard that when you eat things like that, your body will automatically turn it into fat.”
- “That is so bad for you! I cannot believe that you would eat that.”
- “My nutritionist/fitness instructor/favorite influencer said that consuming this before ____ will make you feel terrible.”
I said this in the Food Pusher blog and I am going to say it again. Most times the comments that are made like this have nothing to do with you. I’m going to repeat that because of how important it is to understand this… Most of the time, comments like this have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the person who is speaking them.
Step 2: Ready Your Boundary
Remember that this is for you. You are the only person that has to live with yourself day in and day out for your entire life. You make commitments to yourself. You make promises to yourself. You have to show up for yourself.
Step 3: What do I say?
- Practice your boundaries with kindness but assertiveness. This may sound like, “yes, I am going to eat that because it makes me feel good. It brings me energy. It aligns with what I’m doing with my own health journey currently.”
- Possibly change the subject to help divert the conversation. “yes, I am currently on my own health journey. And it has been a very rewarding time as I work through seeing things differently. Oh and how about you? What are your plans for the weekend?”
- Acknowledge and either close the conversation or see if they are open for conversation. “I have not heard that myself. That’s really interesting. Can you tell me more?” and “If you would, like, I can share some of the different resources that I have found in my health journey that are evidence-based and you might really enjoy since you are exploring the side of everything too.”
- Avoid negative comments regarding your choice of food or your body and say, “This food helps me feel my best” or “I’m eating foods that help me feel great”. This also helps speak to the fact that there are no good or bad foods. There are only foods that we choose, or don’t choose in certain moments that will align with how we want to show up.
- Be short. “Yes” or “no” and simply walk away.
- If the person is somebody whom you feel comfortable, having a heart-to-heart with, talk to them about the goal that you have set for yourself, and what that goal has entailed. Ask them if they have any questions and allow them to ask them freely. Sometimes it’s simply because somebody doesn’t know what it means to somebody else and you may be surprised by their willingness and initiative to possibly help support the goal at the next event.
- Last thought here and one that if you are going to implement… you will have to be ready for the possible consequences. You can say that that was not OK to say openly. And you would prefer the next time that they decide to voice their opinion on your life that they do it in private and respectfully. Or that they keep it to themselves. In this situation, be ready for reactions that you may not like. Because you are definitely in territory, where things can become incendiary pretty quickly. I have experienced this personally.
From A Coach Accused of Food Policing…
Nutritionists and fitness coaches get a bad rap.
When it comes to the thought of the food police, people tend to associate nutritionists and fitness coaches with this. And I want to tell you from a personal standpoint, but also from being in conversation with colleagues, that this is far from the case. Granted, this is only from the people that I have interacted with and myself, but we are not scouring through your food logs, and picking apart every choice that you make. Most of us in the business love food, and we want to teach people how to have the food that they enjoy, participate in the movement that they enjoy, and feel fully alive, and present, instead of obsessive, and guilty with every decision that they make regarding their health journey.
If you are feeling as though your coach is not supportive in this moment, I challenge you to take a step back and review your previous interactions. Maybe you do have a coach who is a little bit harder on your food choices. But did you ask them to be that way? Did you set up goals for yourself and ask them to hold you accountable in this way? Are you facilitating how you want to show up in each moment as I had mentioned above? Are you setting realistic goals for yourself so that they can guide you through the way that you want to live your life? Or could the way that you feel be your internal dialogue?
There have been many times that I have spoken with a client and had to reassure them that I too enjoy pie and when they have a slice of pecan pie (my favorite of the pies), I wholeheartedly want to know if it tasted good. Because pecan pie brings me joy. If they have a version of me in their head yelling at them for enjoying a piece of pie, that is not me. That is their internal dialogue. And that is something that should be explored more through deep personal reflection, or with the help of a mental health professional.
